04/05/2021 - Questions 6-10

Question 6: What famous comebacks have inspired you?

This question is quite challenging for me, and I am really racking my brain to think of the all-time great "comebacks." As someone who is not very invested in sports, I do not have that very deep well to draw from. Perhaps my favorite comeback through all of history would be Napoleon's escape from Elba after being exiled from France, only to return to the seat of Emperor. Though, hesitant as I am to laud any historical leader, especially a dictator, I don't know that I can call that "inspiring."

Hollywood features a number of comeback stories, perhaps the most recent and revelatory has been Michael Keaton's ascent from washed-up superhero to all-star ensemble supporting player. He seriously has been involved with at least one of the great movies each year for almost every year since his reemergence in 2014's Birdman (a movie a shut off about thirty minutes through the first time I watched it and haven't returned since.)

Question 7: Are you more creative when alone or with others? 

Another tough question, though not because I have no answer, but rather because I simply don't know! On the one hand, I can only ever write alone. Crafting sentences becomes next to impossible for me once someone's eyes are taunting me. I suppose this is part of the meditative process of writing, a romantic notion of a single mind pouring its soul onto the page without any interference. On the other hand, however, participating in group creative activities is one of my favorite things to do. Roleplaying Games have been a fundamental part of my life since I picked up DnD as a senior in high school, and I started running my own games my sophomore year of college. These are some of the most fun times I've had, and the improv contained in that space could not easily be replicated on my own. Yet, I do still believe that I probably am more creative alone than I am in the presence of others: though it takes a village to take any single independent thought and turn it into something that others deem valuable.

Question 8: Did you make the most of your college years?

This is gonna be a bit painful to write. I graduated with a Bachelor's after three years instead of the standard four-year track that most liberal arts students fall on. I then went directly from my undergrad to my Master's program at the same university within the same department. So, as someone who never wants to leave college, I will respond to this question in the context of my completed undergraduate experience, which I now have a year of retrospection on.

The short answer is no, although I wonder how many people can look back and say "I did most of what I wanted to in college." I was simply too shy and unsure of myself to commit to doing a lot of college firsts. Sure, I went to parties, and have incredible memories of nights spent drunk with my friends wandering around our little rural college town. I made many friends, engaged in undergraduate research several times, and did the difficult work of learning who I was and how that person existed without their parents. But I still feel as though I did not do enough.

Part of this comes from my very recent understanding of my identity. Looking back, I was dealing with such internalized homophobia, and constantly striving towards an unhealthy kind of "nerd" masculinity that I believe if I had been more open, I could've had more fun. I never went to a drag show. I never experimented with my sexuality when the stakes were incredibly low. I never tried new drugs or skipped a class to do something exciting. I was also always in a relationship. I entered college single, though seriously talking to one girl I met in a summer group chat. We would facetime every night, and text all day, but I suddenly and forcibly kissed her on our first night in college as some sort of Hollywood-romantic gesture, and she did not speak to me after that kiss very much. I then met Lauren, who I dated for the remaining nine months of my Freshman year into the summer. Following our mishandled breakup, just a month or two later I began a lengthy courting process of a mutual friend named Amanda. She was too immature for me at the time (though I was no pillar of adulthood myself) and after the worst night of my life, in which I got too high and she would not stop touching me in the middle of a party, I ended things. The entire process took about three months from meet-cute to bridge-burning. A few months later, I met my most recent ex-girlfriend Zoey. We dated for two and a half years, the rest of my undergrad experience and the first quarter of my time in graduate school. In fact, we separated only two days ago on mutual terms, and we still intend to stay very close to one another. Maybe I will talk more about this soon, but for now, I will just say that our breakup was my reason for starting this blog: to find who I am without her.

These constant relationships, while fun and rewarding, certainly kept me from experiencing the wide range of sexual partners in each club on a Saturday night. Perhaps once the pandemic is over, and I have figured some of my stuff out and gotten over Zoey, I can go to one of those clubs and relive what should've been my undergrad experience.

Question 9: Are genetic differences between races biologically important or unimportant?

They aren't even that real, at least not in a way that could be measured by importance. I try not to be a racist, so I will just state it plainly, no, any genetic difference between races is unimportant and often socially constructed. Race, as something that was entirely created by human intellectuals, does not denote value or worth. Go to grad school to really have all the foundations of science shaken as they are exposed as human creations many times.

Question 10: Does an enlightenment quest ever have an end?

No, I don't believe it does, though it is a comforting thought to imagine that one day it will. I think the origins of this myth, that at one point you have enough figured out to stop searching, are projected on to our parents by their children. As a child, the world seems so mysterious and large that any figure who can successfully operate in it must be some sort of sage. As we grow up, for the first many years of our lives, we only realize how much more we do not know. That question continues to expand as we get older: the opposite of what I imagined as a child. Maybe, one day, when I am older I will feel that the enlightenment quest has sufficiently been completed. I doubt it though, as I cannot imagine a life worth living that does not ask questions of itself or its reality.

I Am What I Am by George Hearn was the song of the day yesterday.

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